All I Want For Christmas Is To Beat My Dad’s Ass

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All I Want For Christmas Is To Beat My Dad’s Ass

Mom, Dad, assorted friends and family, and anyone else who may be reading this, I know that 2020 has been a hard year. We’ve all faced hardships, illness, and the knowledge that our country is no longer the great bastion of democracy that we once thought it was. As we enter the holiday season, a time for togetherness and cheer, I want us to set aside our differences so that we can be with one another and give the kinds of gifts that we’ll remember for a lifetime. No, I’m not talking about money or a new set of pajamas (Aunt June!), what I really want this Christmas is simple, and it costs nothing. I want to beat my dad’s ass.

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The Kill Pretty Guide To Proving That The Coronavirus Is A Hoax

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The Kill Pretty Guide To Proving That The Coronavirus Is A Hoax

As towns, counties, and even entire states lock down over a so-called surge in coronavirus numbers, it’s up to you to show the American people that we’re living in a hypno-state controlled by a fear-based media that wants to keep us inside so we can consume hundreds of holiday movies produced by liberal outposts like Netflix, Lifetime, and The Hallmark Channel.

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Terrible Fucking Advice with Murdock St. James - Black Friday Edition

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Terrible Fucking Advice with Murdock St. James - Black Friday Edition

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a DM on Instagram with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

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Five Things For Which Nigel Wensleydale Is Thankful

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Five Things For Which Nigel Wensleydale Is Thankful

Dear Reader I fear it is once again that time. When the Turkey King is chosen and his head is lopped off so the Wensleydale extended family can sup from his succulent juices. However simple to dine from the flesh of the family’s turkey and ham and even yams is not as easy as one might think, for Father insists that his progeny be thankful for at least five things each year. Woe to he who refuses to think up things to be thankful for, for he will spend time in the Thanksgiving stocks as cousin Roderick did two years past. In preparation for this year’s feast I’ve written down what I estimate to be the perfect things to be thankful for, supposing that father doesn’t find a flaw in my givings of thanks and slap my cheeks with his spanking stick.

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Ten Foolproof Excuses For Avoiding Thanksgiving

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Ten Foolproof Excuses For Avoiding Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving sucks. Aside from being a holiday that low key celebrates the genocide of America’s indigenous people it also forces you to sit in a room with your family over a never ending series of savory dishes. Even if your family isn’t made up of MAGA C.H.U.Ds and anti-vaxxers there’s still a good chance that they’re annoying as hell to be around for more than a couple of hours. This year, parents are more desperate than ever to see their adult children sit around the turkey and drink the gravy. Rather than ignore their millionth phone call asking you to risk your life and lungs for an afternoon of cranberry bliss, try one of these foolproof excuses for avoiding the holiday.

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Kill Pretty Reviews: Eating All Of The Halloween Candy At The Beginning Of October

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Kill Pretty Reviews: Eating All Of The Halloween Candy At The Beginning Of October

Standard Halloween practice says that you shouldn’t eat all of your Halloween candy within the first week of October. Not only does Halloween candy cost upwards of ten bones per bag, but if eaten in one sitting (hypothetically while watching two episodes of Selling Sunset on Netflix) your stomach runs the risk of falling out of your body and suing you for gross negligence.

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Quarantine No Nos

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Quarantine No Nos

We’re crawling up the walls, baking every bread that can be baked. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Joshua Tree. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Palm Springs. We’re baking bread with our photogenic dogs and vacation pods in Joshua Tree and Palm Springs. We’ll never leave quarantine, we’ll let the virus burn through us until the only people left are COVID free by default. You can cross your fingers and hope that you make it to 2021 without saddling your family without a hefty respirator bill, or you can avoid these Quarantine No Nos and continue pacing your studio apartment Coronavirus free.

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Kill Pretty Reviews: Being Tied To The Wheel

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Kill Pretty Reviews: Being Tied To The Wheel

Being tied to the wheel is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me, but I don’t want to write a review of something and just give it a one out of ten because it was a harrowing experience. I can see how some people would really enjoy being strapped to the wheel and spun around like some kind of rudimentary Wheel of Fortune board game piece.

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdoch St. James

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdoch St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Whats App message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

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Kill Pretty Reviews: VHS

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Kill Pretty Reviews: VHS

The home video market fucked up when they began producing DVDs. What do I want an animated menu for? Director or (even worse) cast commentary? Drop that shit in a bucket of radioactive waste. No one cares what happened at craft services on the day you filmed the climactic fight scene between Mickey Rourke and a tiger.

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