It’s Totally Okay To Be Your Worst Self Right Now

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It’s Totally Okay To Be Your Worst Self Right Now

Like millions of responsible adults right now you’re stuck inside with no real concept of what’s happening. You know what the news is telling you, but if my eyes – the eyes of someone who’s always online, never without a computer monitor more than a few feet away from my face – are starting to hurt then you’ve got to have blood spraying from your corneas right about now. You deserve a break. Close your laptop, turn your phone off, and close out of Zoom, whatever that is, and just be your worst self right now.

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How To Meet That Special Someone While Waiting In Line For The Vaccine

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How To Meet That Special Someone While Waiting In Line For The Vaccine

One of the most intriguing aspects of 2021 is the vaccine crush. Or work vaccine husband/wife/partner. This doesn’t have to be someone that you’ve explicitly shown up with. It can be anyone. Are you like the rest of adults aged 21 - 40 and desperately trying to get vaccinated before the summer? Have you been following the breadcrumbs of alleged extra vaccines to every Walgreens and Rite-Aid in a 50 mile radius? Are you also trying to get it on or maybe establish a genuine romantic relationship with someone while standing in a parking lot? If so, here are some tips for turning the vaccine spark into a roaring fire of love.

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Five Things I Wish I Hadn’t Thrown In The Black Hole Behind My Mom’s House

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Five Things I Wish I Hadn’t Thrown In The Black Hole Behind My Mom’s House

As far as I can tell there was never a black hole behind my mom’s house, but there it was at the beginning of the pandemic. A black hole the size of a basketball hoop. I’m not a scientist or spaceologist but from what I can tell it’s been there for decades, maybe even hundreds of years, quietly expanding. I have to assume that the family who bought the house know about it, the small swirling vortex just past the back garden. You can’t miss it.

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James: It's March!

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Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James: It's March!

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a personalized Post-It with ten must-read sex tips. Let’s get to it.

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The Munchkin Mafia

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The Munchkin Mafia

The Munchkin Mafia came in again today. The last time they came in the leader asked me if I glued my vagina shut. This was an honest question.  He explained to me that women’s vaginas were supposed to be open.  He wanted to know what kind of strange parlor trick this was?! I tried to explain to him through clenched teeth that vaginas were like belly buttons ... innies & outties. 

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I’m Making My Own Vaccine (sponsored by Taco Bell)

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I’m Making My Own Vaccine (sponsored by Taco Bell)

One year into the pandemic and it’s finally happening, I’m getting a vaccine. More to the point, I’m making my own vaccine with the help of the fine folks at Taco Bell. After months of back and forth with Yum Brands (of which Taco Bell is a subsidiary) I can finally announce that my personal vaccine will be available in three variations. But Jacob, you’re not a scientist. I know, that’s why my vaccine is going to be better than those available on the market at the moment. Dare I say that it’s going to rock? I do dare.

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I Want To Do Nothing

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I Want To Do Nothing

Ten years ago I didn’t think twice about spending all day stoned on the living room floor of my apartment while whatever movie marathon on the Syfy channel played. Today, if I decide to cruise the streets of San Andreas for a couple of hours on a Saturday I can feel the Grim Reaper hanging over my shoulder. When I turn to plot my escape I see his hollow eyes filled like double barrelled shotguns that shoot semi-automatic machine guns with bullets made of flamethrowers. With an arsenal like that there’s no way that I’ll achieve my dream of living forever.

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