Good evening boys and girls! Tonight's tale is about two carless kiddies, ones a grump and one’s a chump. Can you guess this who’s who of sexless frustration? Looks like the games have only just begun! (*CACKLES*)
Read MorePurchasing:
I first stumbled across the meals about 6 months ago at The Dollar Tree, because of course they're sold there. This is a prime marketing example of supply and demand and really knowing your demographic. Everyone at The Dollar Tree at the time of purchase looked like walking bags of flour that have been mainlining bacon grease, and they all walked like they were chafing between the legs. A+ to Larry's team for nailing this one on the head.
I once regarded the process of buying or leasing a car with the highest level of contempt. I hated everything about it: the hours upon hours of waiting in the most dismally commercial settings, the utter dishonesty that would reveal itself in the experience of comparing one’s research about any particular car with the sales staff’s unabashedly spouted malarkey about said car and, finally, the sales staff itself. I would, in most cases, rather spend time with convicted felons than with car salesmen. What a useless breed of wretched, revolting shitheads.
Read More26 - Do not aspire to be a pro Frolfer.
27 - Watch "Flight of The Navigator".
28 - Toothpaste is poisonous. So stop eating it!
29 - Watch out for the crazy lady that works at the Safeway and always stares at you. We don't what she wants.
30 - If you run into Kirk Hammett and accidentally call him Mark Hamill while you're hammered at a Primus concert, he will be cool and still give you an autograph on a Tic Tac box.
31 - If you are high and in a stadium concert full of 10's of thousands of people and hear someone shouting your name, ignore it. It's all in your head.
Read MoreGather round, ladies and germs! This is a tale to make you squirm. Take a step inside this ghastly ride, with a girl who’s clueless and a boy who's fried. Buckle up!
Read MoreAfter over ten years of having non-existent to bad credit, I’ve finally done it. I’ve tricked a company into giving me a credit card. Before I won my new magic card, I assured myself and anyone who would listen that I would only use my free money for good. That I would use it to fix my car, to buy a plane ticket to visit my mother, to save a small orphan in Guatemala. But all of that’s out the window now that I have the actual card in my hands. I can feel its monetary power coursing through my veins, the numeral indentions are whispering to me, sending me to Amazon.com and telling me to look up expensive pounds of coffee.
Read More1 - Do not try to bleach your hair with actual bleach. This will hurt your fucking head.
2 - If you are zappin' a Cup O Noodle in the microwave, don't forget to put water in that shit. It will light on fire and stink up your microwave and make your mom mad.
3 - No matter how much weed you have smoked, your heart will not explode. No it wasn't laced and no you don't need to go to the hospital.
4 - Don't try and drink an entire box of wine in under 8 hours on a dare. You will most likely shit your pants.
5 - An oven does not make a good alternative for a dryer, especially when drunk. You will burn your pants and have to walk home looking like Fire Marshall Bill.
6 - Huge downhill road + rain + your bicycle + being hungover = injury/ shattered helmet/ broken bicycle.
7 - Be wary of beerbonging 2 40oz Steel Reserves from a rooftop through a garden hose. You could throw up on yourself in your friend's backyard and not care.
Read MoreWelcome kiddies! Tonight’s story is about a simple boy, looking for some tail, and a girl who had a drink and went off the rail! Now that’s what I call, getting your fill! (*CACKLES*)
Read MoreWhen I was in university I cleaned a yoga studio in exchange for one free class per week- because enlightenment/liberation/metaphysical masturbation tend to be prohibitively expensive. I did a teacher training program a few years ago, and this is the healthy perspective from which I view the larger community of yoga people
Read MoreJustin Bieber - Purpose - Def Jam
This album is the equivalent of a 22 year old smoking cloves in the parking lot of a community college.
Read MoreWhen we're bored we'll throw Mr. Rich a bunch of paintings and stuff from the Juxtapoz website and see what he thinks. He gets no information on the artist or any context, just images. Here's our staff drunk talking contemporary art.
Read MoreGood evening. What follows is a ghastly gaze into the mind of a troubled narcissist with a penchant for masturbatory fantasies of 1970's-inspired guitar solos and a thirst for imaginary applause from crowds of 1960's mobs of hysterical, Beatlemaniacal women. The anachronism between the musical genre with which my guitar solo is identified and my female crowd should further emphasize the extent of my bombast; this is going to get ugly. Also, anyone who doesn't like it can, to quote Eddie Murphy quoting his dad in Delirious, "Get the fuck out." So, please, if you possess neither the nerve nor the stomach to tolerate and understand this very honest specimen of my admittedly common thought process, there's still time to escape.
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