Did you find everything okay?

Did you find everything okay?

A few weeks ago, I woke up in one of my "disrupt the universe, fuck up the system" moods, which can start with eating a different type of cereal for breakfast and end with making the foreign guy at work profoundly uncomfortable by engaging him in a deep and an earnest discussion about my sex life.  This type of mood generally strikes me when I'm bored or constipated, or, heaven forbid, when I’ve managed to achieve both boredom and constipation.  

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Red Head

Red Head

My buddy's sister is a solid 11. Huge cans, firm ass, tight stomach, and loves to fuck with me when we're drunk. Sexually.

 

I remember it as if it were yesterday, because I'm a drunk and it seems like yesterday. It was my friends birthday, which one I will never remember, and after a night of sexy drinks and pointing out the ugly people, we retired to my buddy's apartment with his girlfriend at the time and his sister.  

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How to Fit into Society by Watching TV!

How to Fit into Society by Watching TV!

1. Watch a lot of TV

Pay careful attention to what is important to the People on the moving box. What do they talk about? What do they not talk about?  How are those powerful cosmic beings pretending to be awkward, ineffectual dolts?  Pay attention, You'll be doing the same things.   

Pay attention to the 'real' names of the people on the box.  These are your new friends. They are going to teach you everything you need to know about living in this society and fitting in. Let me introduce you to a friend of mine:  Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Now that You've watched Kindergarten Cop, and spent a little time with him, do you like him? He's very charming and entertaining isn't he? One likable motherfucker if I do say so myself.

Well guess what?  You're not the only one who thinks so. Everyone likes Arnold.  Everyone thinks of Arnold as their best drinking buddy.  And You do too!  So now when You meet someone, you have a friend in common!  Ask them if they've seen Kindergarten Cop or if they know your good friend Arnold Schwarzenegger!  Your mutual appreciation for your mutual friend Arnold will help cement trust and social credibility. Somewhere deep in the mind of your new friend, they'll be thinking, "If they're good enough to be Arnold's friend, they're good enough to be my friend! A friend of Arnold's is a friend of mine!"

 

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Body Melt (1993)

Body Melt (1993)

As you can probably guess, Body Melt is not for the ladies (unless shes a bad ass!). No, this is an over the top, gross-out snotfest of blood, guts, sperm and sweat. Something that the ladies will never understand. This is a film for the drunk, for the high, FOR THE INTELLECTUAL! So strap on your goggles and let’s get to work.

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White People’s Sh*+ Be Stanking!!!

Sarah shat herself, Shane shits himself, Katy shits. White people always act like they sh*+ don’t be stanking! But ooo girl ooo  that shit be stanking, just like a HORSE’S ASS!!! A BIG strong HORSE’S ASS!!! MILES of PILES of SHIT always STANKING up somebody’s lawn, OBAMINATING somebody’s air. Just like that stupid Horse and his ass from gone with the wind (greatest film of all time MY ASS!!!). Shitin’ on folks in STRIDE! And they don’t care. From the Donald DUMBASS Sterlings! to the Paula DUMBASS Deans!


Just like an actual horse walking with their heads in the air enjoying their beautiful view, continuing forward into their beautiful day, but really they walk with their heads so FAR UP there ASSES dropping HOT LOADS of prejudice and HATE in their path, all the while behaving as if they’ve done NOTHING wrong, like they did not just lay loose another HORROR on an unsuspecting public.


“OH! Because THE WHITE SHIT is all RAW! ORGANIC, NO PRESERVATIVES!!! OH! Because it’s just GRASS that comes out a horse’s ASS!!! It aint hurtin nobody!”


The FACT is this shit is a MEGA TURD a BIG BALL of shit full of LIES and DISEASE just annihilating the atmosphere providing a putrid FUNK that has lasted and will have lasted for many a generation to come. This WHITE shit is shit smeared on the bus stop right next to your head, and you don’t know where it’s coming from. This shit is an old man who passes gas in the wind cocksure it’s doing no harm to the little children playing in the immediate area, or in his condo where he invites people back for WHISKEY and crumpets! This white shit is a DRAGON, an OLD BITCH who still has a period and refuses to WIPE her ASS for the rest of her short life.

           

White people always act like the shit they do to get forward in LIFE affects no one else negatively. White people need to stop and TAKE A look back at LOADS they DROP in the streets! On all the other lives they subordinate (SHIT ON!) to get theirs forward. White people need to acknowledge their “WHITE PRIVILEGE” and start going to the back of the lines which they were born at the front of.


“Oh I know I’m not racist, I work hard for everything I got, I’m just trying to do my job.”


But what are your jobs really WHITE PEOPLE? How’d you even get a job? I tell you it is not just to protect and feed your family and to try and prosper by any means necessary. You have another obligation, an OBLIGATION to carry the fallen races on your backs, which are of the strongest of all the backs, on the way to your successes. YES, right along with you. You are obligated to take on this, a greater cause, as you are the only ones who can fix today, end this HORSESHIT PILE of SHIT, and let America be America again, let it be the DREAM it was supposed to be.


You Can't Wait To Know This!

You Can't Wait To Know This!

Casting News!! Mariah Carey Lands Role in J.J. Abram's 'Star Wars'!

High-society-butterfly-loving-five-year-old-fat-girl Mariah Carey has been cast in the latest installment of the Star Wars franchise. When asked how he decided that she was right for the iconic role, J.J. said "I saw her (Mariah) eating whole buckets of deep fried cornish game hen at The Patio restaurant (at the Chateau Marmont) and knew she would be perfect and she told me her husband (Soon to be ex-husband, Nick Cannon, who everyone always says "Really?! He's married to her?!") chewed through the leash that Mariah had kept him tethered to her bedpost for the past few years. And it occurred to me that's just like the other Jabba did with Princess Leia in the other movie! But this one will be better with lens flares." Uh-huh. That's why he gets to "re-imagine" every damn movie franchise from our youth.

I can see the logic in his casting though. Jabba ate alien frogs, Mariah eats anything. And you know why? Because she's a diva. You don't get to tell a diva or a Jabba what to eat. I mean, she ate Nick Cannon's soul, didn't she?

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