February 02, 2015

This Star Wars News with Affect the REST OF YOUR LIFE

February 02, 2015/ Nacho

I was innocently browsing the internet yesterday when I came across the worst news imaginable. Some retard at the head of Disney has announced that from 2016 on we will be seeing a new Star Wars movie EVERY YEAR!

I know what you’re thinking, “Every year? That has to be an exaggeration.” NOPE. After this trilogy they have another trilogy planned. In between trilogy movies they have stand alone movies they are also filming. If you don’t believe that, they’re first stand alone movie comes out in 2016! They have already announced the release of a Star Wars movie in 2016, 2017 and 2018.

Let that sink in.

You will never stop hearing about Star Wars. TILL YOU DIE. Even if life extension becomes real and you’re nine years old reading this right now and you live to be 250, there will still be some asshole in a Darth Vader helmet saying, “I am your father” because by that time it’s been said so many times it’s ironic to say it which makes it funny again! SEE! SEE HOW THAT WORKS??? IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS.

January 31, 2015

CHUNEED Graffiti Interview

January 31, 2015/ Jason Gardner

It seems like you really can't go anywhere in this world anymore without seeing graffiti. The pastime has snowballed to such a degree that it has become as second nature as seeing a tree or someones gross baby. It's a busy world out there and most people don't have time to think about the person behind the scrawl they see out of the corners of their eyes when they're on their way to Bed, Bath and Beyond at 9:00am. But we do! We sat down with the bay areas own CHUNEED and asked her 10 questions...

January 19, 2015

I Have Goals - By Katelyn Lacey

January 19, 2015/ Katelyn Lacey

I have goals. One of those goals is to be the coolest girl anyone has ever met before in their entire life. Think of the coolest person you know. I want that person to look at me and say, “Who is that human over there with the lily white freckled skin? Cheeks of rose, robust of bone, fresh of face, sly of wit? What is she doing over there? Oh, ok, I see what she’s doing now. She’s giving zero fucks, that’s what she’s doing. I wonder if she’s even capable to give a fuck? She’d probably have to work 70 hours a week to give a fuck. It’d be a full time job for that perfect redheaded creature with the fattest ass to give a fuck. And her leather jacket makes me forget that MJ ever wore one.”

January 13, 2015

Revolt of the Water Heaters

January 13, 2015/ Mr. Rich

They say that if you take acid it stays in your spine forever. And that if you suffer a back injury later in life, it can be released and you’ll trip again. Do you think that’s true?

January 12, 2015

Double - O - Dumbass

January 12, 2015/ Nacho

A light afternoon mist poured over a massive manicured lawn. Groups of tables and chairs each with an enormous vase of flowers and two opened bottles of white and red wine were strewn everywhere. They were being attended to by hundreds of 20-30 somethings in white collared shirts. They were the catering. I was a fucking caterer.

It was good money though. I knew walking in I’d be leaving with over $100 and a huge free meal. What I didn’t know was that over the course of the night my friend would reveal a side of him I’d never known before.

January 08, 2015

Sony SLV N-88 Review

January 08, 2015/ mattsweder

Where I grew up, Christmas was cold. God jizzed from the sky and everything was covered in a beautiful white. Then Christmas would arrive and we'd open presents, drink hot chocolate, and huddle around the fire. Fights between my mom and dad were almost inevitable. We'd eat some ham, followed by more fights, and then eat some pies. And then it was over.

Christmas in Los Angeles is weird. It's warm, it's sunny, and there's no noticeable difference from summer. Except that the sun sets a hell of a lot earlier. So when I hear Christmas music blaring from the shops as I pass by, it pisses me off. Mainly because I hate Christmas music, but also because I keep thinking it's June. Or July. August. And I think, "who the fuck is playing Christmas music in the middle of August?"

I'm walking down the street in a red velvet suit and a dirtied white beard around my neck like a necklace because I have no idea what I got into last night. Stumbling past the open doors of stores playing Carol of the Bells and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, children are coming up to me with their lists of toys they hope to see under the tree. I'm halfway through my cigarette, holding my bottle in a brown paper bag, telling this one kid he's a spoiled, greedy, little brat and trying to figure out why his mom is letting him talk to me. But then I notice she's playing on her cell phone and couldn't give a fuck about her son.

After I flick my cigarette toward his mom and tell the kid to fuck off, I make my way to the Goodwill because, you know, it's sort of my job.

Browsing the aisles, I hear a small Mexican child shout, "Santa!"

"Sorry, Pedro," I say. "I'm an impostor," and I pull the beard up over my face, gesturing to keep quiet with my index finger over my lips.

I go to the clothing section and trade my costume for a three piece suit, undressing right there. A clerk yells at me and tells me I can't try on the clothes in the middle of the store. I hold up a ten and he backs off.

I put my Santa suit on the hanger and put it on the rack and head over to the electronics. I grab a VCR off the shelf and go to check out.

I pay four dollars for the VCR and walk out, totally forgetting to pay for the suit.

ADDENDUM: The VCR is a Sony SLV N-88. I don't know shit about it. I don't own a TV. But the suit is nice. Pinstripes. If only it fit right.

January 07, 2015

MARVL US Interview Part 2

January 07, 2015/ Nacho

You have a very specific one liner bus hopper type tag. Is that where it originated? Hopping busses?

That was from scribing bus windows. There are elements to a graffiti letter, right? A. It has gotta look cool B. you gotta do it fast so you can get up in a sick spot and make it look natural. Another kid gave me props for being on so many bus windows. I always had a rock. I didn’t even use the little grinder, scriber tool. That’s cool but in terms of not being caught with a pocketful of utensils or whatever, the best thing is to find a small rock with a sharp side to it right before you get on the bus and when you’re done with it you just chuck it. But basically it’s just from scribing windows and wanting to do it really fast and if you stop and start too much it will look funky.

January 06, 2015

Hats Off To You, Your Honor By Jon Benito

January 06, 2015/ Jon Benito

So unfortunately, between a time span of four months or so, I got picked up by the police for graffiti. The first time I got ACD (charges dropped) in return for six months good behavior. However, the second time I got picked up, I was arrested and held for about sixteen hours until I saw a judge. The ordeal was entertaining to say the least. Outside of the Christian proselytizing with signage telling me to ask Jesus for forgiveness, and the amount of disinformation being proliferated by the police was... Well... Not really surprising. Regardless, I recently had my follow up court date this past Friday, December 19th.

January 02, 2015

There's Nothing Funny about this Picture

January 02, 2015/ Nacho

There’s nothing funny about this picture. This is just a little person riding a scooter. Scooters are for everyone! We all love them and everyone has enjoyed being on a scooter before. So, like I said, there’s nothing funny about this picture.

January 01, 2015

Medical Exam by Sir Surly Fetus

January 01, 2015/ Sir Surly Fetus

I don't like to brag but, for someone who has not yet turned thirty - or forty, for that matter - I've had quite a few prostate and rectal exams. As a result, I now approach the prospect of undergoing such exams with relative ease. I also fancy myself something of a connoisseur in the domain of bowel movement regularity as a "haver" of IBS. In fact, a separate blog entry may have to be devoted to this topic exclusively, as my knowledge of dietary fiber sources, stool softeners and laxatives, as well as of coping with cramps and flatulence, can hardly be contained in the confines of a modest paragraph. Those of you who cannot bear to wait for my next article to be enlightened by my scatological expertise are encouraged to contact me privately. Please include the phrase "help me shit" in the subject line of your email.

December 31, 2014

My Year End Lists - Jacob's Favorite Music from 2014

December 31, 2014/ Jacob Shelton

Once again we’ve come to the end of the year and we’re being inundated with lists; Best Ofs, Least Essentials, Worsts (my personal favorite), and Most Underateds. When you start to stack up the amount of content that’s been released over a year it can be intimidating. If the amount of albums released this year were physically collected and stacked atop one another, one could live as a comfortable hermit within their confines until the next year’s crop of content were added to the shack.

Click Here To Continue Reading and Find Out Why Buzzfeed Hates This Guy

December 29, 2014

You Can't Wait To Know This! By Keith Garsee

December 29, 2014/ Keith Garsee

Little-old-man-turned-Internet-villain Bill Cosby was spotted over the weekend eating a piece of fruit. No confirmation yet as to what kind of fruit it was, but it was probably one of the types of fruits that grows on trees and definitely not the gay kind because everyone knows now that Bill Cosby likes pussy.