I Can't Wrap My Head Around New Chronology

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In 2001 chess master Gary Kasparov claimed that he believed history isn’t actually history. It’s fiction. That year a loosely knit group of Russian conspiracy theorists began touting “New Chronology,” a theory that posits that everything that we think happened leading up to the Renaissance is a myth, created by a one world government to uh… well, to do something. No one is actually sure why there would be a global conspiracy to hide the possibility that England was once a part of the Russian Empire.

While I’m unsure of how this affects me directly, it nonetheless sends me into a downward spiral of second-guessing every choice I’ve ever made. Were my ancestors a part of a larger Russian empire? Is that why I ask for extra Russian dressing on my Reuben sandwiches? Or am I just one of those people who likes extra sauce? Does this explain my preference for pickles with fish? If I am from a secret lineage of Russian farmers then why can I not stand the cold? Have I been in Los Angeles for too long or is the concept of “New Chronology” an out and out lie?

Rather than finish the article after writing two paragraphs I decided to lie down and collect my thoughts. I ended up sleeping for 13 hours and in that time I’ve decided to create some new chronology of my own and forget about my possible ties to Russia, except for the Russian dressing. That’s one piece of history I think I’ll keep.

For Thanksgiving I’m Having Stuffed Gorilla

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For Thanksgiving I’m Having Stuffed Gorilla

It’s not hard to buy a gorilla. With the internet things are so easy you just point and click and then a week later there’s a guy asking you to sign for your giant refrigerated box that has a giant dead gorilla inside. Things are easier now. Only 10 years ago I would have had to go to a zoo and kill my own gorilla, now they’re just available on Amazon.

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Get It Right! Five Must Have Candies For Every Trick Or Treater

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Get It Right! Five Must Have Candies For Every Trick Or Treater

Do you smell that? The apple cider in the air? Do you hear the rustle of plastic masks outside your door? No? That’s because everyone knows that you have the worst candy on the block. You might as well be giving out pennies, that’s the kind of scum that your neighbors think you are. If you want to be able to look the neighborhood kids in the eye tomorrow while you clean the toilet paper from your trees you better buy the good stuff. Thank Christ we’re here to tell you what to do.

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Give It To Me: Five Ernest Movies I’d Like To See Right Now

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Give It To Me: Five Ernest Movies I’d Like To See Right Now

If you’re like me, meaning a person who grew up in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s (which statistically you’ve got to be somewhere in that big ass ball park) then you spent an inordinate amount of time watching movies featuring one Mr. Ernest P. Worrell. You watched as he was “scared stupid” and as he was incarcerated for crimes which he didn’t commit. His film work faded out as children grew callous and tired of this man-child’s adventures, but I feel that it’s time Ernest make a come back and these are the flicks I’d like to watch in the theater, at home on my VCR, and through the windows of my most beautiful neighbors.

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Four Soothing Photos And One Picture Of A Guy Breaking Into Your Home

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Four Soothing Photos And One Picture Of A Guy Breaking Into Your Home

It’s a stressful world out there; people are worried about politics, the Earth heating up, the Earth cooling down, the fact that you’re in your 30s and haven’t been to the dentist in over a decade, and people with breaking into our homes and stabbing us in our sleep. Sometimes you just need a nice place on the internet, somewhere you can relax and forget about your day to day problems. That’s why we’ve put together this collection of four soothing photos and one with a guy who wrapped himself in toilet paper before climbing the stairs to your bedroom. We don’t know how it got here but we can’t figure out how to delete it. Try not to look at that one.

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Xtro - Alien Erotica for only the Kinkiest

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Xtro - Alien Erotica for only the Kinkiest

When you’re a 13 year old horror fan everything kind of runs together. You have nothing but time and an endless history of horror to consume. I remember whole years where I watched a movie or two every single day. 90% were horror. Yes it did affect me and no I don’t want to talk about it. The point is, through this endless stream of murder certain movies graze the surface and can actually fuck with your head. It’s rare, but they do. Xtro is a sick enough type of movie to just do that. It has claws in all the right places. So if you’re into being molested by a movie, by all means, read on!

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Corporate Bravery: McDonald’s Claims That Chicken McNuggets Can Help You Grow Into A Big Boy

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Corporate Bravery: McDonald’s Claims That Chicken McNuggets Can Help You Grow Into A Big Boy

One of the most recognizable fast food brands has opted for a bold new campaign strategy, one which changes the way its diners associates the company’s product with just being a kid. McDonald’s has launched a new ad campaign that claims little boys who chow down on Chicken McNuggets three to five times a week will grow big and strong like Ronald McDonald, and that they might even be stronger than their daddies if they eat enough.

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