Down The Rabbit Hole With Jacob Shelton: An Afternoon With Bernard Kulp

Down The Rabbit Hole With Jacob Shelton: An Afternoon With Bernard Kulp

Bernard Kulp bursts into his kitchen carrying a stack of manila envelopes. Over the next five hours he’ll repeatedly pull from these files and point to lengthy paragraphs that have been scanned and copied so many times that they look as if the ink has fallen out of the words. The first thing he says to me is, “Is this really you or is it your consciousness?” I don’t know how to respond so I pick up my water glass and I say, “Me?” I’ve never felt more insane. “I’m pretty sure myself and my consciousness are here together.” Kulp scowls at me and says, “We’ll see.” He fingers his folders for a moment before drumming his fingers on the table. “It’s not that I think everyone who projects their consciousness from another dimension is an evil pedophile or something, it’s just what my research shows.” Kulp raises his fist quickly until it’s parallel to my face, I flinch and he seems satisfied with this response. “That’s good,” he whispers to himself, “very good.”

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Top 5 Conspiracies Ranked by how Hard my Wife Tries to Stop Me From Seeing the Kids

Top 5 Conspiracies Ranked by how Hard my Wife Tries to Stop Me From Seeing the Kids

Youtube videos seemed to be so innocent when I first started watching. Cat videos and DIY tutorials. Anyone could upload a video! Soon I found myself getting wrapped up in the secret truths all the sheeple in the world don’t want to look at. Youtube documentaries freed me from a life with my head in the sand. It also freed me from having a wife and children. But I’m a good father and I won’t let these kids down, even if they might in fact be alien hybrids!

Here are the top five conspiracies that killed my marriage:

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Kill Pretty Tells You How To Spend Your Weekend

Kill Pretty Tells You How To Spend Your Weekend

Wasn’t it just the weekend? And now you’re expected to spend another two days hanging out and waiting to go back to work? If you don’t know how to spend your weekend why not do it up Kill Pretty style? We asked some of your favorite Kill Pretty writers how they’re spending the weekend, feel free to copy, mix ‘em all up, or do something else and let us know what kind of trouble you got up to.

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Love Wins! Man Marries Sandwich In Romantic Ceremony (sponsored by Subway)

Love Wins! Man Marries Sandwich In Romantic Ceremony (sponsored by Subway)

Fans of love and/or sandwiches should stop everything they’re doing right now and shove their faces directly into their computer minute, because this news story directly correlates to those two things. This man, Chester Forntothington has announced that he recently married his favorite sandwich and that they’re retiring to desert to live out the rest of their lives.

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Getting Lost: What It Takes To Pick Up The Magazine From The Shipping Warehouse

Getting Lost: What It Takes To Pick Up The Magazine From The Shipping Warehouse

Hour seven of walking through a warehouse the size of six Costcos is when you start to lose your mind. Forklifts whiz by, their drivers wearing an orange vest honk at you to get out of their way, and at least one of them slapped my arm with a plastic ruler when I tried to hop on the back of his little truck. I just wanted freedom, it didn’t matter how I released from my box lined prison.

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Nine Reasons Why My Dad and I Have Stopped Talking and One Thing That I Like About My Dad Per My Therapist’s Request

Nine Reasons Why My Dad and I Have Stopped Talking and One Thing That I Like About My Dad Per My Therapist’s Request

My dad and I haven’t spoken in years. There wasn’t one thing that ended our relationship, but rather a series of escalating failures on both ends that illustrated how different we are from one another, and how it’s probably best that we don’t hang out.

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How To Survive Game Night When You Hate Everyone

How To Survive Game Night When You Hate Everyone

Off the bat, that title is inaccurate. I don’t hate everyone. I like my dogs. There are a few people on Twitter that make me laugh, and I tend to enjoy the company of the other writers for some reason. Other than that, most people can go jump in a lake. It stands to reason that as someone who rarely leaves the comfort of his house, that I don’t have to go out of my way to avoid social situations that don’t involve my dogs, or discussing topics for a quarterly magazine. When I do leave the gloomy chambers of my one bedroom apartment, it’s to walk down the street to my favorite bar and chat with the bartender, Karl (whom, come to think of it, I also quite like). Against my better judgment, and in a frenzied moment of needing to get out of my house, I accepted an invitation to a game night.

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