I was sitting in a coffee shop in Hollywood waiting on an actor that was running late thanks to a bout with food poisoning (it’s a dangerous thing having breakfast at Denny’s) and it struck me that America could do with a new serial killer. What began as a crass thought while eavesdropping on the conversation of a group of very fit solipsists turned into something very real and nostalgic.
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NOTHING MAKES SENSE IN PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL!
-Why are the pirates clothes cursed?
The moon reveals the cursed pirates as decayed bone people, but why do their clothes change? From, you know, piratey, to super ripped up. Can they not change their clothes? Or no matter if they change their clothes, the new outfit, in turn, becomes cursed?
-Why is the ship cursed?
The pirates are cursed because they stole gold that was cursed. I get it. Why is the ship cursed? The ship didn’t steal anything. Even when the curse is lifted, the ship stays looking like shit. I don’t think that’s very fair to the ship.
Read MoreSo Kill Pretty had this horrible idea of assigning me to a tech review column. When I told them I knew shit about technology—which they should’ve gathered, since Nacho had to explain to me in full detail, as if I were an intoxicated infant, how exactly Twitter worked—they came up with this idea of me reviewing vintage electronic equipment. So this is my initiation.
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Read MoreAs we all know, killer brain movies are a dime a dozen. We’ve all seen brains from outer space descend on a small town and a Rambo type character must swoop in to save the day. What puts “The Brain” in a different category than the hundreds of other killer brain movies is it’s a metaphor for being a teenager and the angst of being misunderstood in a brainwashed society run by television. Stupid parents and all their rules! Oh, it also has a huge fucking brain that eats naked girls!
Read MoreIs Neil Patrick Harris Available? You Bet He is!
Omnipresent-Multi-Faceted-Ellen-Degeneresqe-But-Butcher-Than-Seth-MacFarlane-Will-Ever-Be-Powder-Puff-A-Gay-Gurrl Neil Patrick Harris has been tapped to emcee the 2015 Oscar Telecast.
What a deal for Neil! He really needs the exposure, doesn't he? The "versatile performer" (that's what the Hollywood Reporter called him) and "total power top" (that's what he calls himself) has only hosted a few awards shows in his flash in the pan, barely noticed career-reign over all of mass media. And by a "few" I mean four times at the helm of The Tonys and twice steering broadcasts of Oscar's mixed-race-adopted-sister-with Aspergers-and-a-food-allergy The Emmys. He even won four Emmys for his Tony Shows! So meta!
The Hollywood Reporter went on to gush breathlessly that he'll "also have a rooting interest in one of this year's awards hopefuls, since he's currently appearing in David Fincher's 'Gone Girl.'
Said Harris, "It is truly an honor and a thrill to be asked to host this year's Academy Awards." (It's next years, Neeeeiiiiiil.) Then, because he isn't captured on film in every known medium, every single freaking day, he released a video on Twitter and talked some more; his voice forever rippling throughout the universe with a mesmerizing melodious hum, vibrating on radio waves that glittered like opals!
"I grew up watching the Oscars and was always in such awe of some of the greats who hosted the show. To be asked to follow in the footsteps of Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Ellen DeGeneres, and everyone else who had the great fortune of hosting is a bucket list dream come true." Girl. Get gone! Make some room on the stage for those other hungry queens waiting in the wings. I'm not talking about me! I've got this gig. I'm talking about Mario Cantone. Poor little thing got a half-scale day rate on 'The View.'
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Read MoreIt's that time of year again, the leaves are refusing to change, the wind nips at an autumnal 62 degrees, and I have to sort out which sexy costume to wear to the Halloween parties whose invitations are stuffing my mailbox like a bag of garlic.
Read MoreA few weeks ago, I woke up in one of my "disrupt the universe, fuck up the system" moods, which can start with eating a different type of cereal for breakfast and end with making the foreign guy at work profoundly uncomfortable by engaging him in a deep and an earnest discussion about my sex life. This type of mood generally strikes me when I'm bored or constipated, or, heaven forbid, when I’ve managed to achieve both boredom and constipation.
Read MoreMy buddy's sister is a solid 11. Huge cans, firm ass, tight stomach, and loves to fuck with me when we're drunk. Sexually.
I remember it as if it were yesterday, because I'm a drunk and it seems like yesterday. It was my friends birthday, which one I will never remember, and after a night of sexy drinks and pointing out the ugly people, we retired to my buddy's apartment with his girlfriend at the time and his sister.
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Read MorePay careful attention to what is important to the People on the moving box. What do they talk about? What do they not talk about? How are those powerful cosmic beings pretending to be awkward, ineffectual dolts? Pay attention, You'll be doing the same things.
Pay attention to the 'real' names of the people on the box. These are your new friends. They are going to teach you everything you need to know about living in this society and fitting in. Let me introduce you to a friend of mine: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Now that You've watched Kindergarten Cop, and spent a little time with him, do you like him? He's very charming and entertaining isn't he? One likable motherfucker if I do say so myself.
Well guess what? You're not the only one who thinks so. Everyone likes Arnold. Everyone thinks of Arnold as their best drinking buddy. And You do too! So now when You meet someone, you have a friend in common! Ask them if they've seen Kindergarten Cop or if they know your good friend Arnold Schwarzenegger! Your mutual appreciation for your mutual friend Arnold will help cement trust and social credibility. Somewhere deep in the mind of your new friend, they'll be thinking, "If they're good enough to be Arnold's friend, they're good enough to be my friend! A friend of Arnold's is a friend of mine!"
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As you can probably guess, Body Melt is not for the ladies (unless shes a bad ass!). No, this is an over the top, gross-out snotfest of blood, guts, sperm and sweat. Something that the ladies will never understand. This is a film for the drunk, for the high, FOR THE INTELLECTUAL! So strap on your goggles and let’s get to work.
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Sarah shat herself, Shane shits himself, Katy shits. White people always act like they sh*+ don’t be stanking! But ooo girl ooo that shit be stanking, just like a HORSE’S ASS!!! A BIG strong HORSE’S ASS!!! MILES of PILES of SHIT always STANKING up somebody’s lawn, OBAMINATING somebody’s air. Just like that stupid Horse and his ass from gone with the wind (greatest film of all time MY ASS!!!). Shitin’ on folks in STRIDE! And they don’t care. From the Donald DUMBASS Sterlings! to the Paula DUMBASS Deans!
Just like an actual horse walking with their heads in the air enjoying their beautiful view, continuing forward into their beautiful day, but really they walk with their heads so FAR UP there ASSES dropping HOT LOADS of prejudice and HATE in their path, all the while behaving as if they’ve done NOTHING wrong, like they did not just lay loose another HORROR on an unsuspecting public.
“OH! Because THE WHITE SHIT is all RAW! ORGANIC, NO PRESERVATIVES!!! OH! Because it’s just GRASS that comes out a horse’s ASS!!! It aint hurtin nobody!”
The FACT is this shit is a MEGA TURD a BIG BALL of shit full of LIES and DISEASE just annihilating the atmosphere providing a putrid FUNK that has lasted and will have lasted for many a generation to come. This WHITE shit is shit smeared on the bus stop right next to your head, and you don’t know where it’s coming from. This shit is an old man who passes gas in the wind cocksure it’s doing no harm to the little children playing in the immediate area, or in his condo where he invites people back for WHISKEY and crumpets! This white shit is a DRAGON, an OLD BITCH who still has a period and refuses to WIPE her ASS for the rest of her short life.
White people always act like the shit they do to get forward in LIFE affects no one else negatively. White people need to stop and TAKE A look back at LOADS they DROP in the streets! On all the other lives they subordinate (SHIT ON!) to get theirs forward. White people need to acknowledge their “WHITE PRIVILEGE” and start going to the back of the lines which they were born at the front of.
“Oh I know I’m not racist, I work hard for everything I got, I’m just trying to do my job.”
But what are your jobs really WHITE PEOPLE? How’d you even get a job? I tell you it is not just to protect and feed your family and to try and prosper by any means necessary. You have another obligation, an OBLIGATION to carry the fallen races on your backs, which are of the strongest of all the backs, on the way to your successes. YES, right along with you. You are obligated to take on this, a greater cause, as you are the only ones who can fix today, end this HORSESHIT PILE of SHIT, and let America be America again, let it be the DREAM it was supposed to be.
Kill Pretty is a lifestyle, entertainment, humor, graffiti magazine.
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