Why I Hate TV By Forkface Digitalis

Art by Tomas Brewer

 I don't like television.

 Not just for the usual reasons;  6 corporations controlling the information and trying to sell You stupid shit.  

   Well, let's start with the stupid shit selling.  Commercials are SO INSULTING and NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT! They treat You like You're literally retarded!!

   “Good mothers use tide.  You’re kind of a piece of shit if You don’t. You don’t have Life insurance? How do You live without the piece of mind? What kind of meaningless black hole of existence do you live in where You’re not enjoy the refreshing taste of a Coca Cola right now?  Did You forget that Coca Cola exists?  Not if We can help it!”            

                 Before You ever start watching tv, somebody should sit You down and explain to You what's about to happen:  "Groups of the most advanced mind benders are going to FUCK with Your head in every way possible to get You to buy stuff."

   These are Marketing Samurai dedicated to altering Your mind and they mean business.  Making adjustments.  Just straight up fucking with Your head.  So are You down with that?"  

                       "⚡Fuck Yeah⚡, I did push the button, didn't I?  Power on, motherfucker!¡  You wanna activate all Your mental screwdrivers and lasers and weapons systems directly at My fucking mind?  Rock and roll!  Rock and roll because Barbara Walters looks like she totally just shat her pants at the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade.  Rock and Roll because the waitress's little angel is watching Robocop II while mommy's friend shows Mommy his new advanced yoga move: "The Pussy-Blaster." Rock and Roll because Lindsay Lohan's asshole prolapsed on TMZ's "Who's that hole?"

   My least favorite thing about tv is that it's not interactive!  

Someone on tv can say whatever they want to Your face... and You can never punch them in theirs.  The biggest most fucked up well engineered weapon of mass destruction of a lie; and it doesn't matter how insulting it is, or how much it flips You the fuck out because it's psycho, or bullshit, or it's condescending.  It doesn't matter how much You scream and shout, You can't do anything about it!  It's a one way channel, man.  They give 0 fucks.  They tell You what to think and feel and Your feedback is not welcome, Motherfuckarrr!  The medium is the message and the message is a middle finger!

      You see them saying this shit on tv, or portraying a  flattened and distorted fun-house mirror image worldview of the Universe, and they make it look like it's the one complete, collective, group consciousness, agreed upon stuff; but it's fucking dumb.  Duuuuuuuuuuumb!  So so very very ♪♫dum, dah-dum-dum, DUMB♪♫.  I swear the stupid is highly fucking contagious.  The dumb vapid immature view of humanity and the universe rubs off on motherfuckers- because they have to assume that everyone else is operating from the same whacked out view of the world that tv is portraying! So motherfuckers get their worldview pushed around to fit the tv's horseshit hallucinations!

      They're always trying to get motherfuckers to hallucinate and be terrified of every stupid fucking statistically insignificant misfortune one could ever befall, from terrorism to heart failure, you know how they are.   

      They promote such fucking cowardice!  Insane cowardice, from “No one will fuck you if you don’t buy our deodorant” to “You’ve been shot, We’ve got to get you to a hospital!”  If they had television in Teddy Roosevelt’s day, He’d have never made it to work with all the getting shot and going to hospitals.

    "Holy shit there's dudes across the planet in caves with machine guns!  We must freak out and pass the new 'National Not Having a Mouth Bit Freedom Act', which will launch a 60 billion dollar campaign to liberate humans everywhere from the lack of a metal bit in their mouth strapped in place at all times by the use of a inexpensive, yet indestructible kevlar face harness, and it comes with a new and improved social structure!"

      Actually that's pretty bold and audacious.  Perhaps I've been envying the fuck stomp take no prisoners attitude of the creators of television programming. *gasp*  I'm pissed off because I'm jealous that THEY get to infect a captive audience of millions of people with THEIR shitty ideas.

       I take back everything bad I ever said about the sacred talking box. Just in time to fuck up some 'Bad Judge.'

Drunken Art Reviews

When we're bored well throw Mr. Rich a bunch of paintings and stuff from the Juxtapoz website and see what he thinks. He gets no information on the artist or any context, just images. Here's our staff drunk talking contemporary art.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!  ITS’S CHRISMAHANNAKWANZA EVERYBODY!  

And you noel what that means.  Shit is about to get craaaaaaaazy.  My master sends me these, supposed, beautiful pieces of art and I let you know just how ass-farty they really are……....so let’s do it.

Jean-Paul Bourdier

Blurry photo of UFOs lives in my back

I want to superimpose a lion or tiger about to devour this woman for being in another piece of crap.  At least then there’d be something interesting going on.  She’s probably the same naked chick that has been in all the other naked chick artwork that keeps vomiting itself out of the current shitty art wheel that is, “hipsters trying too hard”.  Why isn’t the back of her head painted?  She didn’t want to get ketchup in her hair.  What’s the matter with this photo?  It’s trying too hard and it’s been done before.  Better.  By Pink Floyd.  More chicks, better art on there backs, and lot’s of cocaine.  I think there was cocaine, so yeah.  

Ryohei Hase

Skull-helmet or not

There is a story here.  Which one, I’m not sure.  That skull could be a helmet.  Maybe they were getting married and a hidden assassin hit her in the neck with a dart and he’s like, “Noooooooooo!  Mi Amor!”.  Or he’s just just a dinosaur-head dude and there was a huge battle and he just made it to the throne room and now he’s going to eat her brains.

Rune Christensen

Yogurt rope antlers

Yes!  This something I would have blown up to 80”x80” and it would hit you right in the face as you walked through my front door.  I do believe he has a peace sign tattooed next to his left eye, or mercedes logo.  Either way, he’s seems like an upbeat fellow.  He has the Christmas spirit and he is ready to party for sure.  And not just anybody is willing to let a whole group of people ejaculate on their special antlers.

Ines Kozic

Best way to eat soup ever

This is what I’m gonna look like in a year.  You just wait.  No more bowls for me.  How do you eat your food?  With your hands?  Pfhh.  Tons of condescending snerfs at everyone will be had.  Look how peaceful he is.  Probably just got done having some new england clam chowder in a beard bowl and is ready for a siesta.  Or he’s nursing orphaned baby birds back to health.

Morning Breath

You are what you eat

It’s so weird that everyone always draws cartoons with 4 fingers.  I got money that that is Darth Vader on the right side.  But, anyway, why not come on over and hang out with Mr. Pizza Face.  “Wanna hit this joint?  Wanna lick my popsicle?  I’m a pretty cool guy except for the fact that I lack eyebrow plucking skills, but hey.”  And then as you get closer because you’re about to hit that joint you notice his lips start quivering.  His lips extend outward.  His upper lip, up and over his head and his lower lip down and around his his feet.  His lips engulf his own body and as they do so, the opening that was his mouth becomes the head of a giant red spined lizard-like creature.  He grabs your entire body in his right hand and as he does so he calls you a sucker in a low demonic voice before biting your head off.  Once inside his stomach, you wonder why you’re not dead.  The rest of your body joins you seconds later.  A face forms on the lining of the creatures stomach that looks similar to Ray Charles and begins to talk.  He says that this creature’s body has the ability to suspend the life of whatever it is digesting in order to fully absorb its soul as well as its nutrients, which is a process that takes 10 years.  He then asks you if you want to play a game of Uno.  You ponder to yourself, whether or not you fed your cat.

Jonny Negron

Floaters

Now that I’m done laughing like Butthead from Beavis and Butthead…  Can’t say I didn’t look at this for a while.  Is that Anna Nicole Smith?  I don’t know why but this makes me want to go play Saints Row 3 and run around hitting pedestrians with a dildo.  

Pokras Lampas

Cool sheets

Can’t say I mind my job right now.  I think I gotta, you know, take a break from typing for a second.

Markus Linnenbrink

Woah

“Hey guys, you want go visit Timothy Leary’s house?”  Please don’t lock me in this room if I’m on acid or mushrooms.  I don’t think I’d be able to find way out, ever.  There you go, turn the house into a maze for trippers.  You get to the end, you get spayed in the face with Hershey’s syrup and then you go back out into Burning Man.  

You guys go through the rainbow house?

Yeah, it was magical.

I felt like Dave at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Yeah, I like the part where I got sprayed in the face.

    Me too. :)

Steve Mccurry

Boring

Good contrast.  Deep thoughts.  He mumbled to himself derisively.  Who cares about some fucking camels next to a fire.  Big fucking deal.  It happens all the time over there.  Things are constantly blowing up and getting lit on fire.  It’s common place.  Even the camels know this and have adjusted.  It doesn’t look like they’re too worried.  Yup, another giant fire, they say to themselves.  And I know it happens, so I don’t give a hoot about whether you think it makes for good photographs.  Sigh.

PANT

Pant/Pint

I’ve been given the ok to bash graffiti by the boss upstairs, so here we go.  Is this on the side of a car repair shop because it looks like an advertisement for motor oil.  Why are there 3 names under this piece?  Did you all work on it, you lazy stoners.  Or are you just so in love with each other that you write each others names under every tag you do?  If you guys made your names a little more legible, you might actually make some money some day.  Good one, he said to himself.

Ben Jones

Who dat

Is that the Cosby’s or something?  That show is pretty old.  I can’t imagine why anyone would want to buy this.  I watched that shit when I was 5.  Isn’t he molesting chicks now?  When did Bill get a tattoo like Mike Tyson.  Are they friends now?  This is so confusing.  He’s got an anarchy symbol and a peace symbol on his face.  Which is it?  Which do you want Bill?!  Peace?  Or Anarchy?

Dongwook Lee

It’s kinda what my dumps look like after eating a lot of shrimp

Hey man, you wanna try this new drug?

    What’s it called?

Stem.

    What’s it do?

It makes you feel like a super-human.

    Is there any come down?

You see babies everywhere.

    That’s it?

What’s the message here?  I get it.  We can put a baby in you like that.  Why not.  If you have trouble getting the D you gotta do what you gotta do.  Just don’t inject me with, thank you.

Alright folks, that's a wrap.  I hope you have a beautiful end to your year and get muy schlitterbahn’d for new years.  Don’t make a new years resolution ‘cuz you won’t keep it and try not to get arrested.  Later.