This Ain’t No Party, This Ain’t No Disco, This Is An Event Sponsored by Hendrick’s Gin By Jacob Shelton
Last Wednesday I was suffering from a case of the mid-week mopes when an email from a local taste maker website popped up on my digital typewriter informing me of a party currently in progress only a short walk away from my writing office/apartment. I had been trying to think of a rhyme for dialogue for the past five hours and felt that a bit of air and a party would be good for my constitution. And as it had been a few months since I’d actually reviewed anything I felt that could probably get some free pens out of the trip. Or at the very least a promotional goat cheese slider.
Elf On Da Shelf W/ The Weekend Pilots!
Kill Pretty is now in dirty dealings with everyone's favorite comedy band The Weekend Pilots! Every month we will be writing an article inspired by one of their songs.
This month they threw us a X-mas song and even though we hate X-mas we love evil killer dolls so we went with it.
MARVL US Interview Part 1
In every city there are writers that affect the world they paint. Some perfect their pieces, others obsess over destroying property and there's a million in between. Not all of them gain world wide success but the savages always have an affect. Kill Pretty loves learning about the over looked writers of different generations. The ones that put in the work, and it that town they are a household name.
MARVEL US was a household name in the Bay Area. More like a legend. 10 years after he stopped writing we would still catch his tags hidden around skate spots and rusty old poles. US had it's own coveted place in the graffiti history of the bay (and still does) and MARVEL seemed to be one of the most prolific and mysterious names in the crew.
Sitting down to talk to MARVEL was like stepping back into the early 90's. Everyone skated and everyone tagged. San Francisco was in the middle of a Renaissance that would last through the decade. Let's sit back and hear what MARVEL saw.
Tell me about writing in the early 90’s. What do you remember?
At the core of it, this is skateboard culture. We were all serious skaters. It’s this culture where you skate and you travel to all these different spots. As you travel to these different spots you hit up a tag. I saw other people doing that in ‘89 and I thought they were total degenerates. I was like, “Oh my god you did that right on that wall, you’re gonna fuck up this whole place for us.” Then later on I saw some more sophisticated graffiti and it was just one of those things. It was a whole new language.
THRIFT SHOP TECH REVIEW: APPLE IPHONE 4S by Ignatius J. Really
I didn't feel like going to Goodwill this week. Take that, Kill Pretty.
I did, however, finally get an iPhone. It's a 4s, let's not get ahead of ourselves, but it is a step in the right direction. Or so I'm told. It's not exactly an old, vintage piece of technology, but all you teeny-bopper Beliebers might say so, since they're on the iPhone 1,476 by now.
The Best Friend You Ever Had - Weed Delivery In New York By Jon Benito
Five years ago I met this guy at this loft party in Brooklyn. It was July 1st and I had literally just gotten off the plane from Florida. I spent the month of June following every Pride week between Orlando and South Beach, and ended the parade with a week long music conference of the EDM variety. It was the kind of month where everyone talked about snow, but it never snowed. He had over heard me talking about my adventure in South Beach, which ended with this methed out dude in pink denim daisy dukes, a wife beater, and just socks, no shoes, following me down A1A grabbing his junk.
We began talking, exchanging stories, until he decided to open his bag and pulled out a rather large ziploc bag full of jewel cases packed with herb. He handed me a business card and said, "I work for Jack, and don't ask me who Jack is 'cuz I know jack shit." Apparently, he worked for one of those delightful delivery services. The kind where you call a number within the five boros of New York City, and an angry man picks up the phone. He demands your name and address and says thirty minutes. Then just like that, two or three hours later a guy is in your apartment pulling out various strains of cannabis to choose from at a premium price. Very illegal, which makes it very convenient. You don't have to leave your house! Regardless, over the past several years we got to know each other real well. It took a while, but after four years, he finally agreed to answer some questions...
Jon: Start off with how you got started?
The Golden Ticket
In 1993, a movie called “Last Action Hero” was released to the world and a specific aspect of it has always stuck with and intrigued me. I’m not here to argue that this is a great movie(although it is pretty fuckin’ good) or that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the shit and has acted in some of the greatest movies ever made(Twins, Junior, Jingle All The Way). I am here to discuss a golden ticket that gave you entrance into something amazing and it wasn’t into a retarded chocolate factory.
Before J. J. Abrams copyrighted lens flares, before Charles Dance was cutting apart animals on Game of Thrones, and even before Bridgette Wilson-Sampras got old and gave up on life, we were introduced to this(yet another) random Arnie movie. But this time the plot device was a golden ticket, supposedly bestowed with magic by Houdini, that allowed its owner to travel in and out of movies at will. AWESOME! Unfortunately, the owner of this ticket is a runty little brat with no imagination and once it falls into the hands of somebody with a little more creativity, his head explodes. He spoke of bringing a group of famous villains into the world, I’m here to kick it up a notch.
You Can't Wait To Know This! by Keith Garsee
Little-old-man-turned-Internet-villain Bill Cosby was spotted over the weekend eating a piece of fruit. No confirmation yet as to what kind of fruit it was, but it was probably one of the types of fruits that grows on trees and definitely not the gay kind because everyone knows now that Bill Cosby likes pussy.
My Brain Hurts
After I pissed myself the last time I got drunk, my phone wont let me unlock it unless I restart it. I wonder if this was all plotted. The phone still works, but now when I text, it repeats every letter to the point that it looks like I’m a stuttering idiot. I’m not. I speak with perfect clarity. But my phone disagrees. To all my “friends” it seems normal because I’m constantly hammered and sending weird texts.
How to Get the Girl
So You've got Your sights set on the perfect girl, huh?
She's got a perfect smile, perfect boobs, and perfect soul. She goes to the same Circle K you go to, buys the same swisher sweets you buy; she gets the same weed from the same guy you do, and has the same stds you have. But how do You go from standing in the Circle K line to watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze with her, while she finds out the secret to your ooze with a careless handjob as Vanilla Ice sings 'Go Ninja Go Ninja Go!'?
Easy Life
I wish they had crash courses and classes for losers. Even if it’s not real, at least you can lie to yourself and say that you achieved something. Why does everything have to be real and professional? It makes no sense. There’s a whole mass of people that are stupid or not physically able to do anything, but they still have dreams.
Say you want to be the shit at karate. Drop some cash, throw some punches, kick some kicks, and BAM! After two or something classes some Asian guy gives you a first place trophy and a black belt. So what if other people don’t think it counts. When it comes down to it, do you care more about your opinion or there’s? Hmmm? After that you can walk about with your head held high knowing you can beat up the next retard you see.