September 14, 2020

Quarantine No Nos

September 14, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

We’re crawling up the walls, baking every bread that can be baked. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Joshua Tree. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Palm Springs. We’re baking bread with our photogenic dogs and vacation pods in Joshua Tree and Palm Springs. We’ll never leave quarantine, we’ll let the virus burn through us until the only people left are COVID free by default. You can cross your fingers and hope that you make it to 2021 without saddling your family without a hefty respirator bill, or you can avoid these Quarantine No Nos and continue pacing your studio apartment Coronavirus free.

September 07, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: Being Tied To The Wheel

September 07, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Being tied to the wheel is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me, but I don’t want to write a review of something and just give it a one out of ten because it was a harrowing experience. I can see how some people would really enjoy being strapped to the wheel and spun around like some kind of rudimentary Wheel of Fortune board game piece.

September 04, 2020

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdoch St. James

September 04, 2020/ Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Whats App message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

September 02, 2020

The Peacock King - A Lesson in Horror-Fu

September 02, 2020/ Nacho

When the four holes to Hell open up and Hell King is all pissed off and ready to fuck some shit up, who do you call? Two horny monks that have been training their whole lives! Yep, you heard me right, the Hell King is coming back to earth and we gotta stop him!

August 31, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: Thinking

August 31, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

As a professional thinker of sorts you’d assume that I’d give this explosion of electrons and neurons an instant 11 out of 10. That I’d be so high on my think throne that thinking would be my shit. Well you’re wrong. Thinking can go jump in a lake for all I care.

August 10, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: VHS

August 10, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

The home video market fucked up when they began producing DVDs. What do I want an animated menu for? Director or (even worse) cast commentary? Drop that shit in a bucket of radioactive waste. No one cares what happened at craft services on the day you filmed the climactic fight scene between Mickey Rourke and a tiger.

August 05, 2020

Good Burger: The Epitome of Nostalgia TRASH

August 05, 2020/ Nacho

*CRACK fzzzzzz SLURP* Can you taste the nostalgia? Remember how great Good Burger was? What a classic comedy movie! I love buddy comedies, don’t you? Good Burger is the absolute perfect example of nostalgia TRASH. If you think of it in your mind, you can remember great things, but don’t look too close! The reality is empty and pathetic. Not only is Good Burger terrible, it serves as the perfect metaphor for the separation between adult and kid comedy. It is the beginning of that horrible Disney comedy we see running rampant today. Worst of all it assumes all children are stupid and by the ratings, maybe they’re right?

August 03, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: Exercise

August 03, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

I'll be the one to say it (I actually have to be the one to say this because I’m writing it), I’m surprised by how much I enjoy working out. I don’t enjoy it so much that I’m rating in above a four, but that’s pretty good for an activity that makes you disgusting and tired.

July 24, 2020

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

July 24, 2020/ Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

July 17, 2020

Killer Nun or How Religion Was Made For Sex Freaks! (EXPLICIT CONTENT!!)

July 17, 2020/ Nacho

I was 15 when I developed a fetish for nuns. No, I wasn’t biting my thumb getting spanked in catholic school (I wish!). I rented a vhs called Ms .45. It was a rape revenge story about a mute woman who is raped twice on her way home from work and decides to kill all sleazy men. In the last scene she goes to a Halloween party dressed as a nun and it’s one of the sexiest scenes in movie history. Ever since that moment I’ve had a thing for nuns.

July 15, 2020

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

July 15, 2020/ Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

July 13, 2020

Kill Pretty Reviews: Loud Noises

July 13, 2020/ Jacob Shelton

Loud noises, be they crashes, smashes, pows, pops, or bangs, are at best debatable. I’m not going to deny that there are people out there who thrive on noises, the louder of which the better. I’m not one of those people. I don’t wake up in the morning aching to put my ear next to a raging buzz saw. I don’t like fire crackers just to feel my ears bleed. I am simply not a fan of noises louder than a reasonable decibel level.