Jacob Shelton 9/14/20 Jacob Shelton 9/14/20

Quarantine No Nos

We’re crawling up the walls, baking every bread that can be baked. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Joshua Tree. We’re forming vacation pods and going to Palm Springs. We’re baking bread with our photogenic dogs and vacation pods in Joshua Tree and Palm Springs. We’ll never leave quarantine, we’ll let the virus burn through us until the only people left are COVID free by default. You can cross your fingers and hope that you make it to 2021 without saddling your family without a hefty respirator bill, or you can avoid these Quarantine No Nos and continue pacing your studio apartment Coronavirus free.

Jacob Shelton 9/7/20 Jacob Shelton 9/7/20

Kill Pretty Reviews: Being Tied To The Wheel

Being tied to the wheel is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me, but I don’t want to write a review of something and just give it a one out of ten because it was a harrowing experience. I can see how some people would really enjoy being strapped to the wheel and spun around like some kind of rudimentary Wheel of Fortune board game piece.

Murdock St. James 9/4/20 Murdock St. James 9/4/20

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdoch St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a Whats App message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

Nacho 9/2/20 Nacho 9/2/20

The Peacock King - A Lesson in Horror-Fu

When the four holes to Hell open up and Hell King is all pissed off and ready to fuck some shit up, who do you call? Two horny monks that have been training their whole lives! Yep, you heard me right, the Hell King is coming back to earth and we gotta stop him!

Jacob Shelton 8/31/20 Jacob Shelton 8/31/20

Kill Pretty Reviews: Thinking

As a professional thinker of sorts you’d assume that I’d give this explosion of electrons and neurons an instant 11 out of 10. That I’d be so high on my think throne that thinking would be my shit. Well you’re wrong. Thinking can go jump in a lake for all I care.

Jacob Shelton 8/10/20 Jacob Shelton 8/10/20

Kill Pretty Reviews: VHS

The home video market fucked up when they began producing DVDs. What do I want an animated menu for? Director or (even worse) cast commentary? Drop that shit in a bucket of radioactive waste. No one cares what happened at craft services on the day you filmed the climactic fight scene between Mickey Rourke and a tiger.

Nacho 8/5/20 Nacho 8/5/20

Good Burger: The Epitome of Nostalgia TRASH

*CRACK fzzzzzz SLURP* Can you taste the nostalgia? Remember how great Good Burger was? What a classic comedy movie! I love buddy comedies, don’t you? Good Burger is the absolute perfect example of nostalgia TRASH. If you think of it in your mind, you can remember great things, but don’t look too close! The reality is empty and pathetic. Not only is Good Burger terrible, it serves as the perfect metaphor for the separation between adult and kid comedy. It is the beginning of that horrible Disney comedy we see running rampant today. Worst of all it assumes all children are stupid and by the ratings, maybe they’re right?

Jacob Shelton 8/3/20 Jacob Shelton 8/3/20

Kill Pretty Reviews: Exercise

I'll be the one to say it (I actually have to be the one to say this because I’m writing it), I’m surprised by how much I enjoy working out. I don’t enjoy it so much that I’m rating in above a four, but that’s pretty good for an activity that makes you disgusting and tired.

Murdock St. James 7/24/20 Murdock St. James 7/24/20

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

Nacho 7/17/20 Nacho 7/17/20

Killer Nun or How Religion Was Made For Sex Freaks! (EXPLICIT CONTENT!!)

I was 15 when I developed a fetish for nuns. No, I wasn’t biting my thumb getting spanked in catholic school (I wish!). I rented a vhs called Ms .45. It was a rape revenge story about a mute woman who is raped twice on her way home from work and decides to kill all sleazy men. In the last scene she goes to a Halloween party dressed as a nun and it’s one of the sexiest scenes in movie history. Ever since that moment I’ve had a thing for nuns.

Murdock St. James 7/15/20 Murdock St. James 7/15/20

Terrible Fucking Advice With Murdock St. James

Sexual intellectual, Murdock St. James is back with his semi-monthly offering of sex tips, cunnilingus concepts, and anal advice. Instead of sitting down for an interview like he promised, the author of An Evening With You and Your Genitals and Murdock St. James was kind enough to send Kill Pretty a text message with 10 sex tips that he thought our readers would appreciate.

Jacob Shelton 7/13/20 Jacob Shelton 7/13/20

Kill Pretty Reviews: Loud Noises

Loud noises, be they crashes, smashes, pows, pops, or bangs, are at best debatable. I’m not going to deny that there are people out there who thrive on noises, the louder of which the better. I’m not one of those people. I don’t wake up in the morning aching to put my ear next to a raging buzz saw. I don’t like fire crackers just to feel my ears bleed. I am simply not a fan of noises louder than a reasonable decibel level.

Molly

Fuck You, Kill Pretty! Also, Love You

WOW - ever since Kill Pretty put out a call for a new president we’ve gotten some buck-wild responses, including our first official rejection letter.

How To Milk Yourself (Even As A Non-Lactator!)

Did you know you can milk yourself even without becoming pregnant? It’s true! And you can start today with Kill Pretty’s essential guide on how to self-milk. You might be wondering, why milk yourself? Besides the fact that it’s really fun, colostrum (the precursor to breast milk) is full of antibodies, proteins, vitamins and minerals that can heal most anything.

6.66 Things You Didn't Know Palantir Knows About You

Now that most of us are starting to realize we live in a surveillance state (we’ve actually been here for quite awhile, but welcome to those just figuring this out!), it’s time to start asking, what DOES Palantir know about us?

Don’t you worry! Kill Pretty has put together a short list for you of 6.66 things you didn’t know that they know, but they do. And now you know too - you’re welcome.

Which hand and household appliance you masturbate with.
The exact Pantone of your asshole.
GPS coordinates of the last known location of your dignity.
Your most shameful Uber Eats delivery. (you know the one)
Your lowest bowling score.
Your new god.
.66 - Bad Bunny is cool but have you checked out the Antichrist?

Nacho

kzam, kzam gtb, gtb, graffiti interview, bay area graffiti writer, bay area legend, legendary graffiti writer

KZAM GTB Interview!

Kill Pretty: What’s your earliest graffiti memory?

KZAM: I had a little marker, and I remember just drawing anarchy signs all over the neighborhood. I'd never done graffiti before that, but that's the first time that I remember doing it. I grew up in Palo Alto area and saw a lot of ORFN and stuff like that, MARVL. I actually met ORFN and he gave me a Pilot when I was tagging in the tunnel at the Palo Alto train station with a Sharpie, and he came up and he... I forget what I even wrote back then, but he came up and saw me with this little tiny Sharpie, and gave me a big Pilot, and he hit up ORFN and I was like "Oh, shit!" I'd seen him everywhere. And it was kind of cool to meet him in person. But honestly I was like 11, 12 years old.

If the point of life is for the Creator to experience everything, could 'Jackass' be humanity's pinnacle expression?

Kill Pretty: What’s your earliest graffiti memory?