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Casting News!! Mariah Carey Lands Role in J.J. Abram's 'Star Wars'!
High-society-butterfly-loving-five-year-old-fat-girl Mariah Carey has been cast in the latest installment of the Star Wars franchise. When asked how he decided that she was right for the iconic role, J.J. said "I saw her (Mariah) eating whole buckets of deep fried cornish game hen at The Patio restaurant (at the Chateau Marmont) and knew she would be perfect and she told me her husband (Soon to be ex-husband, Nick Cannon, who everyone always says "Really?! He's married to her?!") chewed through the leash that Mariah had kept him tethered to her bedpost for the past few years. And it occurred to me that's just like the other Jabba did with Princess Leia in the other movie! But this one will be better with lens flares." Uh-huh. That's why he gets to "re-imagine" every damn movie franchise from our youth.
I can see the logic in his casting though. Jabba ate alien frogs, Mariah eats anything. And you know why? Because she's a diva. You don't get to tell a diva or a Jabba what to eat. I mean, she ate Nick Cannon's soul, didn't she?
One Sentence Album Reviews
As a Kill Pretty columnist and freelance writer I’m tasked with typing millions of words a day. Expecting me to take more than ten minutes to review all of the new music that’s come out in the last week/month/decided upon amount of time is Dickensian. If you’d like me to spend more time with your album please email sup@killprettymagazine.com to set up a specific amount of cash that you’d be willing to spend on a nice review and we’ll take care of the rest.
Dr Riches Failproof Bacon and Codeine Hangover Cure
If enough people believe a "hangover" cannot be beaten, then that belief will sustain itself. I have squashed that belief. Squashed it with bacon and codeine. Provide them with the means, and they will test it, for it is an element of our lives that plagues us all. Please read forth.
Avenging Force (1986)
Going to the theaters in 2011 is disgusting. Secret government agents, spies and lethal assassins. All that sounds cool in theory but the reality is BORING. I love a secret agent as much as the next guy but what does Jason Bourne have to lose? What pain does Liam Neeson really feel? Lets travel back to the 80’s where the enemy really hit you were it hurts, where a cops family could be slaughtered, a soldiers sister might get raped, and who knows? Even our hero could die…
Let's Give The Moon Another Shot
There are days, weeks even, when I think about returning to the moon; not that I’ve ever been. Going to the moon used to mean something, every few years our great nation would stretch it’s space legs and the world would squint into the sky and try to partake in the spectacle. Other countries tried to replicate our success but we were truly the master of the cosmos. Now that our eyes are set on colonizing Mars we’ve all but given up on sauntering across the chalky landscape of our once great conquest.
The Last Big Thing (1996)
What is a “cult film?” To most it’s an underrated film that cultivates a group of fans that enjoy it ironically or embrace it for it’s true genius despite mainstream ignorance. But there’s another type of cult film. The type that makes you want to start a cult. Fight Club, I Heart Huckabees, and Slacker are three that come to mind. These movies have such interesting concepts or philosophies we should literally build cults around them. The Last Big Thing is a “cult film” in the truest form of the word. The film is so interesting and thought provoking it made me want to sacrifice a virgin and drink goats blood. LETS START A CULT!
Enter The Ninja (1981)
The last few years have been pretty disgraceful in the world of the ninja. No longer are they the deadliest of assassins but now are mocked openly along side pirates and wizards. The ninja is an obvious costume choice, not a deadly threat. So lets go back to the ninja glory days (the 80’s) where America was just coming accustom to the ninja lifestyle, which was ripe for exploitation.
Blood Games (1990)
I’ve been reading some reviews online for Blood Games and I’m hearing the same words over and over: “illogical”, “sexist”, “hilarious”, “trash”, “waste of time”.... Basically everyone is having fun shitting on Blood Games. It’s easy to write off a movie about a girls baseball team that’s hunted down by a mob of rednecks. Especially when the Australian title is Baseball Bimbos in Hillbilly Hell “Huk-huk-huk.” Oh look! I can make fun of stupid movies too!
Blood Games is a perfect example of what’s wrong with how people consume media today. Everyone is dying to put things in a box. To judge it and move on. Sure the first 20 minutes of Blood Games is retarded and hilarious but if you paid attention you might find there’s a little more to this “standard” rape-revenge flick than you thought.