In issue six of Kill Pretty, staff writer Jacob Shelton takes a death drive into the heart of madness with the spiky haired madman, chef Guy Fieri. Check out the following excerpts from our profile on the Diners, Drive-In, and Dives host below and read the full thing in issue six.
Read MoreThis morning I woke up with the strangest feeling – I don’t want to do anything. Oh sure I’ll make coffee and put on a robe so I don’t flash the neighbors peeking through my curtains, but when it comes to doing any actual work it’s just not happening. Case in point: In the middle of the last sentence I stopped to watch an episode of Survivor before staring out the window for 20 to 30 minutes.
Read MoreIn this world there are only two types of people: Salami Mommies and Beef Chiefs. Your race, gender, and sexuality have nothing to do with one’s inner mommy or chief, you simply know one way or the other. However, we can be wrong from time to time and that’s why you’ve got to think about this for yourselves, email us your answer and wait until we let you know whether you’re right or wrong. So what is it, are you a Salami Mommy or a Beef Chief?
Read MoreStranger Things this, Stranger Things that. With the premiere of season four of one of the buzziest nostalgia programs ever committed to digital celluloid (a hard drive with a storage space near one, maybe two terabytes) it’s time that I admit the truth. Every time I’ve tried to watch Stranger Things I’ve accidentally pulled up an Al-Qaeda training video. Am I the only one doing this?
Read MoreEvery month Kill Pretty chooses one of our beloved workers to be Employee of the Month, isn’t that great? In issue five we gave the spotlight to Brian Thompson, which was a mistake.
Read MoreDid you know that when someone is shot (with a gun no less) in a major motion picture that their skin isn’t actually being pierced by a bullet? And more often than not that the blood spraying, spurting, and splattering out of the actor’s internal organs is often not even real blood? I’ve known this Hollywood secret for years (I definitely did not just learn about this looking at Wikipedia on my phone instead of going to sleep), and now I’d like to share some of my favorite squib shots with you, my adoring public.
Read MoreIf you’re reading this it’s because a small part of you believes that not only are you uncool, but you’re extremely uninteresting. Or maybe just boring. Here are Kill Pretty we do everything we can to make the world a more outrageous/strange/fun/stupid place, which makes us both exciting and cool. We don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it goes. Heck, we’re not even typing this right now, that’s how much we don’t need to read this article. The article is being “written” by speaking into a robot constructed specifically to deal with anything uncool. Let’s just cut to the chase. There’s nothing cooler than brevity.
Read MoreModern life is the pits. People go to work. They go to school. They drive home. They eat. They shit. They go to sleep. Where are the boss battles? The robot friends who want to find a soul? The giant dragons flying through the sky as a mind throbbing score swells over the scene? These are just a few of the things that you’re missing out on by refusing to live like you’re in a video game. It’s time to reframe your life into something far more interesting than your regular day to day.
The most important step to living like you’re the main character of a video game is to decide what kind of game you’re inside. Is this an MMORPG with an open world where multiple players can come and go as they please? Or are you the only free thinker in a world of NPCs?
Read MoreThe world is a titter with NFT (that’s Non-fungible Token if you’re nasty) madness. The art world, the blogosphere, the BK Kids Club, everyone wants to get their hands on a little piece of digital art that they can call their own and then offload for anywhere between 40 and 60,000 bucks. As of this writing there are jpegs, pngs, and .wows of mutant apes, vast 3D landscapes, and piles and piles of incredibly well animated dicks, but if you’re like me (someone between the ages of 47 and 65 with a vast amount of disposable income) then you want an NFT that’s a bit more persona than everything you can find online at the moment.
Read MoreThe first weekend of the 2022 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in Indio, California, has come and gone. It's dust in the wind, yesterday's news, a metaphor that people have stopped using. But there's still another weekend full of drugged out teens, expensive water, and influencers squeezing every drop of fame out of their final instagrammable moments. If you're throwing caution (and a shitload of money) to the wind to attend the second weekend of Coachella we've got some tips for you.
Read MoreI was sitting on the shitter the other day with my boxers around my knees, cell phone snugly resting in the crotch playing my Jurassic Park Builder app. It was all going fine, I was fairly sure I was going to get the right amount of poo particles on my phone screen to give myself a healthy dose of pink-eye (makes me look like a pirate, pirates are fucking cool.) Normally, I’d get my pink-eye via anal sex and eating ass, but it’s been a slow few months.
Read MoreSo you’ve done it. You’re an essential worker who’s 16 or older and you’ve faced down the needle in a Walgreens/CVS/baseball stadium parking lot and you’re free to walk the streets without fear of catching the dreaded coronavirus. In most cities and counties mask mandates are still in place, and it’s likely that at least half of your friends are still trying to find a vaccine appointment, so what can you do while you wait to hug everyone you know? I’m glad you asked.
Read MoreKill Pretty is a lifestyle, entertainment, humor, graffiti magazine.
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